she came in through the back door at 1/2 past 4 am & some change, with her bike held over her shoulder…

            (…b/c she couldn’t come in through the bathroom window since it has no windows)

 

i can’t sleep 

<sundrenched world>

it’s been a problem that i’ve been facing (extremely) for, a little while,  the last oh… 4, 5… 7 years. 

no medication or therapy has been able to help. it comes & goes, comes & goes, mostly comes…& right now it’s coming (back) 

recently, I’m finally falling asleep sometime around 5, the birds have already been twittering for about 2 hours & the sun is cresting at my window, i pull my eye mask tighter & toss one last time into a final slumber… this makes me utterly useless for the next day & my head wakes up around 8 pm, 10 pm, or 1am ready to do things… just leading to being unable to sleep even more. wanting to go for a ride after 3 am, ….3 am exploring like the old days in LA

the old days in LA

 

….sidetracked much? 

hmmm segway…

speaking of not being able to sleep let’s talk about sex, 

& in my case a lack of it recently. (no sleep, no sex, rock on life! you just rock!)

 

which brings me to The Virgin, who shall remain thus, with no help from me… or likely anyone in the near future… sad i know, but hey, I am all pro-wait til you’re sure you’re ready & then maybe wait a little more & then fuck like the hormone addled bunny rabbit you are deep down within. 

But, not until you’re ready

 

so, the virgin & i are officially friends, & there’s no need for a sigh (at least not a big one) or a ‘just’ inserted here. (plus i honestly don’t really give a shit anymore since it was so long ago) it’s for the best & i’m glad we could talk like rational, albeit drunk, people & be honest

-him admitting he wasn’t ready, having still not gotten over from a relationship 2 1/2 years ago (!!!- what!?! seriously!) & being in love with a girl from his hometown (they’re friends & she has a boyfriend) (read: hopeless) & me admitting that i’m trying to move on, but yeah, i am still a little bit in love with my ex-boyfriend or think that I am/thought i was (more on this manana).

 

so when i said there was no satisfaction & that details would follow, i meant it, i’ve just been…? busy

so last, last, last (last?) weekend, aka the weekend before the last,(last) aka (Another) Weekend of No Satisfaction… aka a weekend that was hecka long ago now….

Guy came over to my place to ‘hang out’ & that is what he really meant. hang out. 

he took an hour long bus ride (btw-THANK YOU CTA for everyday that you make me learn tolerance, for providing me with time to read (esp when there’s the bus driver switch off & they doesn’t show), & for all the (crazy) people watching opportunities) to come to my apt & scroll through my entire i-tunes music collection (oh shit, that takes a LONG time since i have over ~115 G of music… ahh so this is where all my money goes: music & chocolate & beer… could be worse) & kind of talking, but not making a move… we really do just hang out… (can you say PLA.TON.IC? I can, probably in 7 languages)  

we decide to head back up north to his neighborhood, since one of our friends up there is having people  over…

there was hanging out on a porch, me using him as a pillow & talking & a good time, but then an awkward ok I should leave I guess (the host had to get up in the morning… I asked him if I could stay at his place… no, his dad was picking him up in the morning to go out to the suburbs/home for the weekend… nice. so, it was after 2 & my bus had stopped running at midnight & I’d have to go get a cab… great.)

I get up to leave, he doesn’t come, he doesn’t get up, I go in

our friend is all: is he going to walk you out or anything?

my response was: I guess not, whatever…

I’m pretty sure she told him to go after me, because he does come after me & asks if I want him to walk me to a cab, I say it’s not necessary, but the company would be nice… we walk & I’m say:  so are you interested or not, bc I think I’ve made it pretty clear how I feel (read; I’ve done things to you with my mouth that you didn’t say no to…), & I’d just like to know. if you’re not, it’s fine…

 

so we’re friends & this is actually good. he’s not ready (he said so) which is good to know & not to get attached to him & I didn’t really know much & honestly it wouldn’t have worked. He’s all digital & I’m film & darkroom. He likes video games… I well, don’t, unless drunk & they’re in an arcade. 

he doesn’t read. 

he doesn’t read. he doesn’t like to read books.

ouch.

I read all the time, ~7 books at a time, constantly voraciously, adoringly read. I love words, combinations of words, strings of words, the way they look… books, stories, The Library. I LOVE library.(ies) I love the smell of books, the feel. the sound of pages turning.

sooooooo, friends is fine. (even though his is kind of adorable & did make me all nervous in a good way, mmmm i liked the nervousness) He is very much not ready

I am only really pissed bc i was horny & i wanted to makeout. (& i had to fork over $20 for a cab ride home- lame)

THE END: of the virgin.

 

So! what else has been going on? A LOT!!!

like! a lot of:

-skirts + biking

you’d think i would have learned my lesson, but no.

I’ve felt the breeze

I’ve felt objectified: kindly…

& it’s not just skirts I’ve moved onto dresses too…

(I was riding in this little black # & my tall frye boots with my big sunglasses (it was hot, I’m not gonna to lie) & I’m pretty sure a load of boys on a cta bus saw my black lace thong… or they were just excited to see me as I was on a bike. one saw me, tapped his buddy on the shoulder & so on until about 7 guys were blowing kisses at me from inside a bus… this is just one of many reactions I’ve had)

 

-I missed the naked bike ride!?! I don’t even remember what I was doing, but I’m bummed.i love riding my bike! i love being naked! i also like drinking… how could i have missed this? i’m still baffled.

 

-I’ve been working on my girl skills or whatever you might call it… having friends who are girls?

so I made this awesome dinner with one girl friend a couple weekends ago & we bitched about shit & it was totally fun, there was lots of wine… two of our guy friends came over later & there was more drinking, some smoking, & a card game (that in my drunkenly happy state I didn’t totally grasp until about the 4^th round) & we rode our bikes to the beach… all in all, an excellent evening (this is the night the title refers to, I somehow biked home unharmed, after drinking & smoking… I could stay up right & navigate traffic on a bike, but getting up those stairs was tricky…)

& then this past weekend another of my girl friends invited me to a girl’s night. we were going to picnic at this concert in the park but then it started to rain so we did it indoors. (seriously, spread a blanket on the floor & everything) it was fun even if all these other girls did all go to the same high school & kept referring to people I’d never heard of & gasping about the things they couldn’t believe about these people… it just reminded me how much I miss hanging out with my super awesome close friends from high school… or just close friends who are girls

but it was fun… there was brie & hummus & lots & lots of wine, I think we went through at least 9 bottles… & we made amazing fondue. (oh chocolate!!!)

after I got home around 2, & after I hadn’t been able to fall asleep, still buzzed & tipsy, I cut my hair: standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully, with eyes closed as I executed my cuts, I took ~4” off. it’s cute. I layered it a little, & did some quasi bangs. (my eyes weren’t closed the whole time, I’m not that good…)

 

& this leads me to the ultimate conclusion that i Need to…

(dun-da-dunh… cliff hanger! which is where i will leave you… stay tuned for next time when Thursday is inevitably disappointed by some guy who turns out to be an asshole or wears something inappropriate or sets something on fire… cool!!!)

~ by Thursday Afternoon Girl on June 25, 2008.